Biblically speaking all those who are under various authorities can
and should be disciplined by those authorities. The husband wife
relationship is no exception to this rule. So how should a Christian
husband go about his duty of disciplining his wife whom God has placed
under his authority? This is a question that we will seek to answer
here.
When we hear the word discipline in the context of wives this can be a
scary term for many. It invokes images of husbands beating their wives
and knocking them around or locking them in closets. It might invoke
images of husbands standing over their wives yelling and screaming at
them and using all kinds of obscenities. This is not the type of
discipline that we are talking about in a Biblical context. Men who
behave in such ways will answer to God for this abusive treatment of
their wives.
Arguments against the discipline of wives by their husbands
Before we can get into how to discipline your wife as a Christian
husband we need to address the arguments against any form of discipline
by husbands toward their wives.
Argument #1 A Partner cannot discipline their other partner
The first and most common argument against Christian husband’s
disciplining their wives is the belief that a husband and wife are equal
partners in marriage. The Bible does not show marriage as a
partnership, but rather a Patriarchy (male lead hierarchy). See my post “
Is Marriage a Partnership or a Patriarchy?” for all the Scriptures that present marriage as a Patriarchy and not a partnership.
Argument #2 Discipline infantilizes a wife
Some would argue that if a man disciplines his wife in any way that
this is treating her (an adult) as a child. This could not be further
from the truth. The discipline of a wife is certainly different than
that of a child and we will discuss that later in this post.
But discipline is something that applies to adults as well as
children. Governments have the power to discipline their adult citizens,
military commanders have the ability to discipline adults under their
command, Churches have the power to discipline their adult members, and
employers have the right to discipline their adult employees. Discipline
applies to all of us as adults – both men and women.
No one would argue against discipline in these other spheres of
authority or say that it infantilizes these adults. Certainly there is
also the potential to abuse one’s authority and discipline in wrong
ways, but the exercise of discipline itself is not wrong, only the abuse
of it is.
Argument #3 A wife’s submission to her husband is voluntary, therefore he cannot discipline her
Even some Christian complementarians and others who believe in male
headship in marriage reject the husband’s right and responsibility to
discipline his wife. They do so based on their belief that while a wife
is commanded by God to submit to her husband, this is a voluntary
submission on her part and cannot be compelled from her husband.
So in their reasoning if a husband cannot compel his wife’s
submission, he cannot discipline her for failure to submit to his
leadership. I have shown how the Scriptures refute the idea that a
wife’s submission is voluntary but rather they show that her submission
is mandatory and synonymous with obedience. See my previous post “
Should a Christian husband make his wife submit?” for more on this subject.
Argument #4 Christ does not discipline his bride
Some Christians, both complementarians and egalitarians, have
attempted to argue that since we have no examples of Christ disciplining
his bride (which is the Church) that husbands ought not to discipline
their wives. This is actually not true.
Throughout the Scriptures God pictures his relationship with his
people in two primary ways. The Bible pictures our relationship with God
as individuals as that of a Father and his children. The Bible pictures
God’s relationship with his people as a group as that of a husband and a
wife with God being the husband and the people of God being his wife.
In the Old Testament God made a covenant with and married Israel as a
nation (Ezekiel 16:1-14). Later he shows he had to divorce Israel
because she failed to repent of her wicked ways and return to him
(Jeremiah 3:8) despite the discipline that he had brought on Israel.
In the New Testament God has a new bride which is foretold in the Old
Testament prophecies. But the Church (which a new body compromised of
the remnant of Israel and Gentile believers) is pictured as bride that
is betrothed to her husband which is Jesus Christ (II Corinthians 11:2).
The marriage and consummation of the Church with Christ is seen in the
marriage supper of the lamb in Revelation 19:9.
Even as a betrothed bride, Christ disciplined his Church through his
Apostles who acted as the protector and guides of his bride.
“I am jealous for you with a godly jealousy. I promised
you to one husband, to Christ, so that I might present you as a pure
virgin to him.” – II Corinthians 11:2 (NIV)
“What do you prefer? Shall I come to you with a rod of discipline, or
shall I come in love and with a gentle spirit?” – I Corinthians 4:21
(NIV)
When speaking to his seven churches in Revelation (chapters 2 &
3) Christ rebukes and disciplines all but one because of their failings
and Christ says this to his churches:
“Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent.” – Revelation 3:19 (NIV)
So my point in all this is – Those who say God does not discipline
his bride are ignoring passages of Scripture that show both in his
previous marriage to Israel as well as his current betrothal to the
Church that he in fact does discipline his bride.
I do not endorse Christian Domestic Discipline (CDD)
While I believe that a husband has the power and responsibility to
discipline his wife that does not mean I think that discipline looks the
same as with his children. I do not ascribe to or support the Christian
Domestic Discipline (CDD) movement or their methods. I do NOT
advocate for or teach that men ought to physically discipline their
wives.
Different Types of Discipline for Different Spheres of Authority
The discipline from each authority that God has established looks
very different. The types of discipline that a government can bring on
its citizens looks very different than the discipline that church
authorities can bring on their members. The discipline of an employer
toward his employees looks very different than the discipline of parents
toward their children. In the same way a husband’s discipline toward
his wife will look different that the discipline used in these other
spheres of authority.
But what all these spheres of authority have in common is this:
In every sphere of authority God
has established that the authority has not only the right, but the duty
to discipline those under their authority.
Discipline makes us a better person
The Bible has a lot to say about discipline. These are just a few of those passages.
“Whoever heeds discipline shows the way to life, but whoever ignores correction leads others astray.” – Proverbs 10:17 (NIV)
“Whoever disregards discipline comes to poverty and shame, but whoever heeds correction is honored.” – Proverbs 13:18 (NIV)
“Those who disregard discipline despise themselves, but the one who
heeds correction gains understanding.” – Proverbs 15:32 (NIV)
Discipline should be measured
“I am with you and will save you,’ declares the Lord.
‘Though I completely destroy all the nations among which I scatter you, I
will not completely destroy you. I will discipline you but only in due measure; I will not let you go entirely unpunished.’” – Jeremiah 30:11 (NIV)
As husbands our discipline should always start off gently and then
move toward harder forms of discipline. So for instance, if your wife
rarely speaks in a disrespectful or demeaning tone to you then if she
slips up gently let her know that her tone was demeaning or
disrespectful. If she apologizes then no further action is needed.
But what if your wife is acting defiant or publicly speaks
disrespectfully toward you as her husband? In this case a Christian
husband may be compelled to use harder forms of discipline.
Discipline is about holiness
Christ did not sacrifice himself for his bride (the Church) in order
for her to follow her own selfish ways, but rather he sacrificed himself
to make her holy.
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the
church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by
the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself
as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.” – Ephesians 5:25-27(NIV)
As we previously mentioned God says this to his churches in Revelation:
“Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent.” Revelation 3:19 (NIV)
No man who truly loves his wife takes pleasure in disciplining her.
We as Christian’s husbands naturally want to see our wives happy we
don’t want to rock the boat needlessly. This is why discipline on the
part of a husband toward his wife if he is truly acting in love is a
sacrifice on his part. It saddens him to have to take these measures
with his wife whom he loves.
Discipline is about maintaining Order
I think the comparison of the family structure to military ranks is both Biblical as
hupotasso
(the Biblical term for submission in marriage) is a military term and
it helps us to understand the discipline in the home as well.
God is like our General (4 star). In the home the husband would be
like a Lieutenant General (3 star), and the wife would be like a Major
General (2 star). The children would be the enlisted men. Imagine that a
4 star General came along and saw a 2 star General publically degrading
her 3 star General in front of other officers or the enlisted men. What
do you think the response would be from that 4 star General?
That 4 star General would first scold the 2 star General for her
disrespect and then he would probably scold the 3 star General for
allowing the disrespect to go on. It is the same with God as he looks at
the relationships of husbands and wives.
He has given us different positions and we are to exercise and play
out those parts he has given us. As a Christian husband you cannot allow
your wife’s demeaning or disrespectful behavior to go unchecked because
it is an affront to God’s established order. You are responsible for
teaching both your wife and your children the ways of God. You are
equally responsible for disciplining your wife and children when they
rebel against God’s ways.
So now that we have addressed the arguments against a Christian
husband disciplining his wife as well as the intended purpose of a
husband disciplining his wife we can now look at practical examples of
how a Christian husband can discipline his wife.
7 Ways to Discipline Your Wife
Discipline toward your wife should always start with the gentlest
approach first and only move toward harder forms of discipline if the
gentle approach does not yield results.
Warnings should always be given before harder types of discipline are implemented. You should always pray and seek the Lord’s guidance before bringing these types of discipline on his wife.
Here are 7 ways you can discipline your wife if a gentle rebuke does not work:
#1 For Disrespect
If your wife is speaking in disrespectful and demeaning ways in
public in front of others (whether this is toward you or others) this
might require a public rebuke of her tone and actions.
#2 For Overspending
If your wife is spending money against your wishes – this may require
confiscation of her credit cards and ATM cards. Of course this can be
done in measured amounts. Perhaps you might just take away one or two
cards that she has abused and if her spending continues to get out of
control you would move toward removing the ATM card as well. This does
not necessarily mean she would have no money, but you could give her a
cash allowance each week.
#3 For failing to care for your children or contradicting your authority with your children
If your wife is failing to do her duties as a mother toward your
children or she is continuing to contradict your authority with the
children then perhaps you might put off buying that new car for her and
have her continue driving her older car for a while as long as it is
safe for her to drive. If you have to purchase another car – you could
downgrade the type of car she will be able to get or buy her a used one
instead. Maybe you put off the purchase of that new dishwasher she has
been wanting.
#4 For too much TV watching
If your wife is watching too much TV you could cancel the cable or satellite TV and just have antenna service.
#5 For too much online time
If your wife is spending too much time online (like Facebook or other
social outlets or online shopping) then if she does not respond to your
warnings about this you could change your internet code on your router
so that her devices will not have access to the internet.
#6 For neglect of the home
Maybe your wife is not watching too much TV or spending too much time
online but she is still neglectful toward her duties in your home. If
your wife is being neglectful of her duties to care for your home then
you might put off that new living room furniture set you have been
talking about or those new window dressings she has been wanting.
#7 For sexual denial
If your wife is un-submissive in the sexual arena and chronically
denies your sexual advances (without legitimate medical or psychological
reasons for doing so) then perhaps that upcoming trip you were going to
take her on gets canceled. Maybe that wardrobe upgrade your wife was
looking forward to gets downsized or canceled. The Bible says a man has
to supply his wife with clothing, but it does not say it has to be the
expensive clothing she wants!
Some of these disciplinary procedures may affect the family as a
whole, but sometimes it is necessary to do this in an attempt to bring
your wife to repentance.
These are just some examples of non-abusive ways that a Christian
husband can discipline his wife in a way that honors God and his design
for the home.
Conclusion
God not only give husbands the power to discipline their wives, but
he also gives them to the duty to do this. Men should not discipline
their wives out some sort of power trip or prideful arrogance. Instead
men should discipline their wives from a place of love in order to bring
about holiness and order in their homes. Even if a wife rejects her
husband’s discipline as Israel did God as her husband – he should still
discipline her and pray that God will bring his wife to repentance.
